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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27216058">Gay Thoughts and Tears</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DokiDokiKlanceStan/pseuds/DokiDokiKlanceStan'>DokiDokiKlanceStan</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Voltron: Legendary Defender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Disaster Lance (Voltron), Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Confused Keith (Voltron), Fluff and Angst, Fuck the voltron canon, Gay Disaster Keith (Voltron), Gay Keith (Voltron), I know it’s heresy, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Internalized Homophobia, Introspective of Lance's character if he had actual character developement, James (fucking) Griffon, Keith and Lance talk and its beautiful, Lance &amp; Pidge | Katie Holt Friendship, Lance (Voltron) Has Issues, Lance (Voltron) Has Self-Esteem Issues, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Lance deserved better party, Lance has a steamy dream but that’s it, Lance’s Bisexual Awakening was Chaotic, M/M, Miscommunication, Miscommunication is my kink but also I want soft, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pidge | Katie Holt is a Good Friend, Pining Keith/Lance (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), They all deserved better party</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:40:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,869</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27216058</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DokiDokiKlanceStan/pseuds/DokiDokiKlanceStan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Things were a lot easier when Lance didn’t look at Keith’s ass.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Keith/Lance (Voltron)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>193</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Gay Thoughts and Tears</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Things were a lot easier when Lance didn’t look at Keith’s ass.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Okay, maybe some context was in order.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Context is, it all started when Lance entered the ill-labeled ‘magical’ world of puberty. He’s been aware that sometimes, just <em> sometimes </em> , like once in a blue moon, <em>werewolf</em> shit, he finds himself having less than straight thoughts. Sometimes it happened with just a random guy he accidently held eye-contact for too long, and sometimes it was James fucking Griffon with his stupid ass smirk and cutting remarks about basically everyone, though usually about a certain raven-haired boy that was a little too good at everything. </p><p> </p><p>Lance will never admit it out loud, but looking back, him spending too much time with James and his very secret, <em>very</em> <em>heterosexual</em> thoughts might have made him have a bias against Keith. Maybe. Just a little bit. Maybe because James always had his attention on Keith and/or flying better than him, and maybe hindsight is 20/20 and Lance should probably get his eyes checked out, because he can’t exactly be the “sharpshooter” of the team if he needed glasses, right?</p><p> </p><p>Right.</p><p> </p><p>It didn’t help, for that matter, that his eyes kept being drawn by Keith at any given moment when Lance thought he was being sneaky. You know, just the quick look or two, at his dumb fucking hairstyle or the way his biceps tightened just right when he crossed his arms, or the way his neck swiveled in that perfect angle so his eyes locked right onto Lance’s own—</p><p> </p><p>And that’s usually the time where Lance <em> very sneakily, very calmly </em> looks away at just the right moment, pretending that he wasn’t purposefully looking at Keith in any way not platonic and <em> not </em> adding fuel to the fire in his gut. If anyone comments about his darkened cheeks Lance merely states that he’s still winded from the Shiro-instructed training regimen that was purposefully created to kick their asses to next Tuesday without even a painkiller to sweeten the deal. If there was anything Lance never got used to, it was how easily Level 10 droids took a fat shit in his breakfast goo and then ordered that he clean the mess up with his bare hands. How Keith made it look like he was taking a brisk walk in 65 degree weather made Lance feel a confusing mesh of infuriated and turned on and <em> Lance hated it.  </em></p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Now listen, Lance’s family was far from exclusionary when it came to these topics. Veronica was out as a lesbian as soon as she knew what that word meant, and without explaining it in finer detail, Lance’s twin sister Rachael is identical, so it wasn’t ignorance that held Lance back. No, it was simply the fact that it was happening to <em> him </em> specifically, where the problem started. Sure, Lance knew it was hypocritical to unconditionally support Shiro who was gay and still was and always will be Lance’s hero, but the second he himself has gay thoughts he suddenly feels like he was just convicted with no parol, but… well, Lance wasn’t really one to question why he thinks the way he does, because nine whole times out of ten he starts diving way too deep into his mind and begins a very long monologue about the morality of the choices he’s made in life and just how they’ve led up to this singular moment in time—</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Lance,”</p><p> </p><p>The boy in question was startled out of his reverie, realizing with a wince that he had most likely just spent the last one or two or five minutes death staring a wall instead of paying attention to whatever vital whatchama doohickey Pidge was info-dumping him on in order to not die in the next mission.  By the way Pidge was glowering, Lance could make a solid bet that she had been finished for a good moment and was passive aggressively waiting for him to show an ounce of recognition that he indeed was following and understood the severity of the situation. </p><p> </p><p>Instead of making himself out to be an even bigger fool, Lance bowed his head in defeat, and his sheepish “sorry” was immediately silenced by Pidge’s loud and not-so-passive definitely-more-aggressive groan that no doubt alerted everyone in the castle that Lance for sure did not pay attention. </p><p> </p><p>“What the hell dude,” Pidge groused as Lance let out a nervous laugh and rubbed his neck. “This isn’t the first time either, do I even need to bring up that time Keith caught you glaring daggers at his ass?”</p><p> </p><p>Lance let out a sputter and attempted to swipe at Pidge, the green paladin nonchalantly avoiding his attack before Lance curled in on himself. “Am I really that obvious?” He whispered, Pidge replying with an eyebrow raise and making him sigh in defeat. “It’s not like I’m doing it on purpose, y’know. It just… happens.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah yes, accidental pining from afar. The ultimate tactic of the gays.” Pidge monotonously said as she turned to focus on her new obscession, the robotic buzzing with confirmation as she began tinkering with its wires. “Listen man, I know this is something you’ll have to work out on your own, but just letting you know now that ignoring this sort of thing doesn’t really work out in the long run.”</p><p> </p><p>“What, and accepting my one-sided gay crush will?” Lance snidely replied, earning a side eye from Pidge and he raised his hands in defeat from her silent fury. “I’m just trying to be realistic here.”</p><p> </p><p>“As realistic as being thrown into space by five robot cats that turn into a gigantic super-weapon that is the one thing that can defeat the universe’s biggest growing empire?” Pidge ignored Lance’s look as she turned on some funky space music from a self-invented radio that connected to a local space station, her hand waving dismissively towards the conflicted man. “I dunno Lance, putting things in perspective tends to do wonders in cases like these.” </p><p> </p><p>“He’s not even into this stuff!” Lance shot, and Pidge’s look of exasperation deflected. </p><p> </p><p>“Lance, have you ever <em> seen </em>the guy? If those skin-tight jeans don’t make it clear enough, his taste in leather gloves should solidify any doubts.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey! Unlike you, I don’t want to assume someone’s sexuality by what their dress style is!” Lance crossed his arms and pouted, but felt like this was going to circle around fast. “Besides, I don’t even think Keith is into romance, in general. The only person he even likes making eye contact with is Shiro.” </p><p> </p><p>“That’s because you insist on looking anywhere but his face,” Pidge fought off a smile as Lance snapped to attention, opening his mouth and closing it a few times as his thoughts visibly raced past the speed limit of a highway. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m the last person he’d want to do anything with” Lance confessed, raking his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I know, I know, that’s entirely my fault. But what’s done is done, right? The best thing to do would be just to ignore my feelings and let him be happier with someone who isn’t… like me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Like you?” Pidge repeated, humming with the electricity at her fingertips as it sparked to life. “I only see my friend struggling with his non-straight thoughts, but go off.”</p><p> </p><p>“You know what I mean!” Lance sighed dramatically, though it really did feel like he was ending his entire life by confessing his sins to his friend. He leaned back on Pidge’s bed, staring up at the wall and digging his fingers into palms of his hands. “It would be stupid to expect him to even prefer my company over literally anyone else at this point. It's like if I just broke your door down and then asked to come in, y’know?”</p><p> </p><p>“Isn’t that what you did to spill your guts to me?”</p><p> </p><p>“Pidge, please. I knocked.”</p><p> </p><p>“Being polite doesn’t absolve your actions.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s exactly what I mean!” Lance cried, throwing his hands up in the air as Pidge rubbed the bridge of her nose in both irritation and fondness. “I don’t expect people to like me when I act like a total asshole!”</p><p> </p><p>“At least you’re aware of it,” Pidge mused, earning an eye roll from Lance, but set down her tools and switched off her electronics to turn to Lance. Crossing her arms and leaning back, the look on her face made Lance sit up and nervously make eye contact before looking down at his hands. “Lance, do you think I would have put up with you for this long if I thought you were a bad person?”</p><p> </p><p>“You kinda have to,” Lance whispered, picking at his cuticles. “It’s either that or we can’t be a team, and if we can’t be a team then we can’t form Voltron, and if we can’t form Voltron then-“</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, stop.” Pidge rolled her chair closer to Lance, taking his hands into hers and squeezing gently to stop his train of self-deprecating thoughts. “That may be true, we are a team, but not because we ‘have to put up with each other’.” Pidge shook her head, smiling fondly yet with concern in her eyes. “I don’t really know how to make you believe this, but I… I really do enjoy being with you, Lance. I feel lucky that despite everything we can all get along as well as we do. I mean, it wasn’t always amazing, and we didn’t immediately click, but what kind of relationship doesn’t have its rocky parts? The important thing is that we trust each other, and we can, you know, do things like this.” Pidge’s mouth quirked up at Lance’s growing smile, bashfully looking away in the fond way he does when he’s flustered. “I’m glad that you trust me enough to come vent about this stuff to me. But I don’t want you to use me as a way to reaffirm your negative thoughts about yourself.”</p><p> </p><p>“I-I don’t mean to,” Lance’s voice cracked, squeezing Pidge’s hands as if trying to convince her of something she didn’t already know. “No matter what I do though, they just… keep coming back. Sometimes it’s fine, and I feel great, but then something happens and then I can’t stop thinking ‘why even try? I just keep messing up’.” Lance mumbled, suddenly interested more in how Pidge’s skin wrinkled in her palms than anything else in the room. “I don’t know what to do. No matter how much I try I just make things worse.”</p><p> </p><p>“Make what things worse, Lance? We all make mistakes, it’s a part of learning. I fail more times than I succeed when trying to invent something new, but you don’t think about that, do you?” Pidge smiled in a way she hoped was comforting, watching Lance mull over her words. “You see the cool new gadget that is going to entertain everyone and make things easier around the castle. You don’t ask me ‘how many times did it completely fall apart?’ or ‘how many hours did you put into a prototype only for it to do nothing?’”</p><p> </p><p>“Because that doesn’t matter!” Lance frowned. He shook his head, not understanding where Pidge was going with this. “You always put your best effort in everything you do, and I think that’s really cool and awesome. It doesn’t even matter if it doesn’t work in the way you wanted it to because you tried and I think that’s something to be proud of.”</p><p> </p><p>“Mhm. I know,” Pidge nodded sagely, then a knowing grin spread across her face. “Why can’t others do that for you too, Lance?”</p><p> </p><p>“Because, because well…” Lance squirmed, feeling uncomfortable. “I don’t do anything to warrant that.”</p><p> </p><p>Pidge rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Just because you don’t invent new toys to play with doesn’t mean you don’t add to the team, Lance. Maybe you don’t see it, but everyone else does. Think about that, okay? Don’t just file it away. You’re just as important as everyone else here.”</p><p> </p><p>Lance pressed his lips into a thin line, and nodded. He didn’t feel like that, but if Pidge was using her serious voice, and wasn’t making it obvious that it was sarcastic, then it had to have some truth to it, right? It wasn’t like anyone else could hear, so she wasn’t just putting on a front to convince others that she cared. This was Pidge, his friend, telling him how it was, like she always does. He respected that.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” He mumbled, getting up and hugging Pidge. She let out an exasperated laugh, but hugged back tightly, rocking a bit at the height imbalance. </p><p> </p><p>“You worry me sometimes,” Pidge confessed, and Lance let out a soft chuckle before shaking his head good-naturedly.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>——————————————</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Lance more or less thought about Pidge’s lecture.</p><p> </p><p>He usually only thought about her words when those sneaky, dark thoughts came crawling up his arms and into his brain late in the night-cycle, when he was supposed to get his incredibly important beauty sleep, only for those tasteless and regrettable memories to replay in his mind. </p><p> </p><p>The thoughts would make him groan and turn about in his bed, trying and failing to think about anything else but those times where he acted like a buffoon. Like that time in the Garrison where James got him in on a prank that went terrible, and Lance was the one who took all the blame for it. Or that time he went a little too far in teasing Allura and Shiro snapped at him to stop bothering the princess and go do what he asked him to do ten minutes ago. Of course afterwards Shiro came and apologized profusely, because Shiro is a giant tender man who didn’t ask for this shit, and they had a very moving talk about boundaries that led up to the very much needed discussion between Lance and Allura, but Lance’s brain didn’t focus on the good that came out afterwards, it only wanted to focus on Shiro’s tired face as Lance crossed the line, and Allura’s plain discomfort about everything Lance was doing and <em> fuck, why can’t he just leave people alone? </em></p><p> </p><p>“Stop it.” Lance scolded himself, shaking his head as if to dispel the dark hands off his shoulders. He yawned as if that would trick his brain into falling asleep, bringing up the blanket over his shoulders and focused on relaxing every muscle in his body. <em> Think about something else. Anything. </em>He begged himself, and after a few minutes of wallowing in mental anguish, his mind finally calmed down.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em>A deep, gravelly voice humming near his ear, a hand clad in leather gripping his thigh while the other traced up his chest and teased his Adam’s apple. Lance heard himself whimper and the chuckle he received in response only caused his crotch to grow hotter. The hand on his thigh squeezed one more time before reaching forward to cup his bulge, and the hot breath on his ear trailed down to lick and nibble at his neck. Lance squirmed in the hold, letting out embarrassing moans as his ass ground into the hard-on teasingly pressing behind him. It was too much and yet not enough, the body behind him refusing to indulge Lance as it rears back the more Lance presses forward, making Lance curse and claw behind him to gain leeway in their taunting dance. The hand cupping his bulge refused to touch his skin, but the warmth being transferred into his boxers made Lance groan in want and frustration. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Please, please.” Lance whined, pushing his ass out to grind against the hard heat but once again was refused. He wanted to feel it already, what was taking so long? Wasn’t he good? Didn’t he earn it? Lance let out a choked gasp as the hand caressing his neck suddenly grasped it and squeezed, his moans increasing in octaves as a growl poured from behind him and bit his ear teasingly. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Say my name, say it.” It ordered, and who was Lance to refuse?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Keith-“</em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Fuck-!” Lance shot up in bed from the castle’s morning alarm, horror immediately spiking up his back as his brain replayed the final moments of the dream again and again. If only his dick was as ashamed as his brain was, because there was no fucking way he’s going to be able to walk to meet his team with the problem in his nightpants at the moment. Lance couldn’t decide whether he was more annoyed or horrified, and decided it was a healthy mix of both as he raked his fingers through his hair and struggled to stand up. The coldest shower known to mankind was warranted, and he’ll be lucky if he’ll be able to meet <em> anyone’s </em>eye today, much less his teammate who shall not be named. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>And Lance did exactly that; not making eye contact with him, that is. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>The built up stress in his groin didn’t go away the entire day, no matter how cold the water was or how badly the training droids kicked his ass, though to be truthful it didn’t help that he couldn’t focus on anything else but the dream. Any tiny graze near his crotch just reminded him how pent up he was, which only added to his hesitation to look at anyone in particular. Of course the team noticed, which made the whole situation even more embarrassing to Lance, but he managed to wriggle away from the questioning with the poor excuse that he simply wasn’t feeling great, which wasn’t a total lie, but also a bit too far from the truth to be a comfortable fib. But it was enough to get most of the team off his back, because as much as Lance loved to complain, he apparently looked awful enough to be believable. Which he was eternally grateful for, because if Pidge decided to pry he would most definitely break down crying on the kitchen floor and he really, <em> really </em>didn’t want that to happen. </p><p> </p><p>Okay, so sue him; Lance is insecure about his masculinity. Freshly 18, just turned a few phoebs ago, it was a big thing with lots of birthday punches from Pidge and Shiro’s big dad speech about being safe and ‘even though we’re in space, please refrain from getting drunk off nunvil, you’re brain is still forming and-‘ , but he literally just spent a torrential puberty worrying about his tendency to look at other dudes for a bit longer than socially acceptable and spending most of his time fawning over James (fucking) Griffon, so okay, maybe he’s feeling a bit of childhood guilt about it and it causes him to lash out when anything reminds him of it. </p><p> </p><p>Unfortunately Keith seems to exist purely to fuck with Lance’s mental health, without Keith even being aware of his effect on Lance. </p><p> </p><p>So instead of having a long-winded yet ultimately healthy conversation with Keith about why Lance just can’t seem to stand him, or taking any opportunity to look inside himself and heal from experiencing the trauma of snuffing out a major part of himself during puberty, Lance instead decided to… be a dick and put all blame on Keith. Just like James did. Who also most likely caused a lot of pain for Keith during that very vulnerable time in everyone’s life.</p><p> </p><p>Fuck. Lance is really starting to understand just how deep a hole he dug himself. Granted, he knew he was digging it, but at some point he must’ve zoned out during the process cuz now he’s hit rock bottom.</p><p> </p><p>And just now realized that he might, just maybe, have a less than obvious crush on the same target he insisted on digging a hole in the first place for. That he’s now having very hot wet dreams of that target when in reality Keith would no doubt love more than abandon him in a Galran military cruiser. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Fuck. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>So silence is what Lance chooses, swallowing the irritation that shoots down his spine whenever Keith makes a hot jab at his competency, because really, Lance can’t blame Keith for acting like a dick towards him. When Keith inevitably gets irritated that Lance refused to gode back, leading to Keith actually snapping at him with words a little bit more stinging and causing Shiro to step in and tell both of them to cool off, Lance merely shrugs and smiles at Shiro, told him he was just having an off day, which turned into an odd week, which turned into…</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Lance sighed, banging his head against the wall that left an uncomfortable throb in the back of his brain. </p><p> </p><p>“I deserve this,” he told himself, though it certainly didn’t feel too great as the ache spread from his head to the ringing in his ears. Allowing himself to wallow never turned out for the better for him, but to be truthful, Lance had never gotten himself in such deep shit like this before. Sure, give him a gun and a room full of soldiers and he’ll figure out some way to wiggle himself away from the situation, but a personal problem that he himself stoked to the point where even he lost the reasoning of why he continues? </p><p> </p><p>“Maybe I should just tell him,” Lance glared at his hands, as if they could talk him out of his vulnerabilities and guide him towards a better future themselves. He punches at the floor to give himself that spark of pain that tells him to <em> just fucking get it over with </em>, and gets up. </p><p> </p><p>He drags himself towards Keith’s room, and stands there.</p><p> </p><p>Stands paralyzed in his doubts and internalized grievances with both himself and Keith. </p><p> </p><p>Lance’s throat locks up and he quivers, his hands immediately going clammy and thinks <em> this is a bad idea, bad idea, don’t even waste your breath he hates you just get over it- </em></p><p> </p><p>And then the door opens. Keith and Lance stare at each other for much too long. Sweat breaks out on Lance’s brow and the back of his neck, and Keith's untrusting gaze only made him more hesitant to take the step forward. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Just walk away. Make a jab at his appearance and leave.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“I-I…” </p><p> </p><p>“What do you want, Lance?” Keith snapped; his walls were up and he was on the aggressive defense, which makes sense, because why would Lance have any other reason to be here than to cause more trouble? That’s all Lance does. He’s trouble. </p><p> </p><p>Trouble. Burden. He’s a burden. </p><p> </p><p>Lance squeezes his eyes shut, clenches his jaw for a second, and then opens his mouth.</p><p> </p><p>“Can I… can we talk?”</p><p> </p><p>Keith’s eyebrows rise, the only sign that he was not expecting those words. It took a few moments before Keith wordlessly backed up and stood to the side, silently allowing Lance to enter his room and the door slide shut. The two boys (men really at this point), stared at each other in clear discomfort, neither one really trusting that the other wasn’t about to lunge in their moment of weakness. Because this didn’t happen between the two of them; if one had a grievance with the other, they did it publicly, stealthily, gode the other into arguing so the two could verbally abuse each other to get their anger and bitterness out in the open. That was Lance and Keith. It just worked, somehow. </p><p> </p><p>Lance and Keith didn’t sit in Keith’s room in uncomfortable silence. Lance and Keith don’t look at each other, hold eye contact, and be at a loss at what to say. But it’s happening, right now. </p><p> </p><p><em> There’s still time, </em> Lance’s shoulders tighten, making Keith narrow his eyes and pull his arms even closer to his body. <em> Take the shot and leave. </em></p><p> </p><p>Lance really, really wants to just pretend like he wasn’t tired. He wants to laugh at Keith’s clear discomfort, make a thoughtless jab like ‘wow, your room sucks’ and then leave and maybe yell about his hair as he saunters off, finally getting a point in this fucked-up game they’ve been playing for, what, a year now? A year and a half? </p><p> </p><p>Lance even finds himself almost twisting his mouth in <em> that </em>way that always makes Keith scowl and look away in obvious irritation, to take the shot and ruin yet another moment of bonding between them. </p><p> </p><p>And then Lance forces himself to relax, hang his head in front of his self-proclaimed rival in shame, and choke out those two words that he never, ever, wanted to tell Keith in any form or in any breath because that would mean looking himself in the mirror and really asking <em> why, why do you do this to him? Why do you do this to yourself? </em></p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>Keith opened his mouth, obviously ready to shoot a scathing remark back at whatever Lance was going to say and tell him to get the fuck out of his room, his <em> sanctuary </em>, and then processes what Lance said. His eyes widen, he closes his mouth, and stares at Lance. A silent question, confusion making his eyebrows furrow and his mouth frown in a way that Lance, in any other situation, would consider cute. But not right now. Not now, gay thoughts. He’ll deal with them later. </p><p> </p><p>So instead, Lance takes the metaphorical knife in his hands and guts himself in front of Keith. It’s why he came here, right? Make things right. He didn’t need some big, world-bending moment the war throws at them on the daily to finally clear the air around them. He didn’t need him or Keith or god forbid Shiro to die (die <em> again </em> , Shiro what the <em> fuck </em>) in order to realize that what they had, what they did to each other, wasn’t going to end well. It was going to end in one of them doing something that will push the other to the point where they just couldn’t even work together anymore, which would be the moment Voltron is hit with a mortal blow because if they can’t work together, how are they going to save the universe? </p><p> </p><p>Lance knew it was also a bit more selfish than that, but that wasn’t important at the moment.</p><p> </p><p>Lance talks and rambles, trying to both get Keith and himself to understand just why he was so insistent to call Keith his rival and why he was so bitter towards anything he did, making his face turn red with shame and embarrassment as he recalled that everyone kept telling him that he would never be nearly as good as Keith, and instead of working harder to prove them wrong he instead fell back at tearing Keith down so he could feel that the playing field was leveled. </p><p> </p><p>“Because on the inside,” Lance felt his voice hitch, “I believed them. I knew that no matter what I did I’d never really convince them that I could be better, so I thought ‘what’s so good about Keith anyways? Nothing.’” Lande shook his head, feeling his lip tremble but refused to cry in front of Keith of all people. “I never really considered that the problem was never the kid everyone liked more, but the people themselves and my own insecurities.” Lance said, hesitating before looking up to meet Keith’s frown. Lance quickly looked back down, shame burning down his neck and his fingers tugged on his hair as he rambled about how stupid he was and really, all of this was just internal bullshit that he threw onto Keith because god forbid Lance actually <em> talk </em>about his negative feelings to someone. </p><p> </p><p>“Wh-What I’m trying to say is,” Focus Lance, focus. “You didn’t deserve me talking to you like that. You know that, of course, I mean like if someone just showed up calling me an asshole n’ shit I’d be pretty pissed off too. I mean, I’m <em> trying </em> to say I’m sorry, I don’t…” Inhale, exhale. “I don’t like, hate you or anything. I-I have a lot of issues, but I guess I just wanted to, y’know, let you know that? Cause like, when we work together, we <em> work together, </em> y’know? If that makes any sense at all,” Lance mumbled the last words, because of course it doesn’t Lance, shut up, keep talking. “I think you're a really good pilot, and that’s why I get so annoyed; not because you did anything, but because I’m comparing myself to you and realize that I’ll never be as good at anything I do because…” Lance felt water drip down his face as he squeezed his eyes shut, because <em> of course </em> he’d cry at a time like this, he can’t even control his emotions as well as Keith could because he’s bad at <em> everything </em> and he’s just a <em> stupid fucking asshole </em>-</p><p> </p><p>“Because I’m just not good enough. I force myself to fit in everywhere because the one time I don’t, people will realize that I don’t fit anywhere at all.” </p><p> </p><p>Silence engulfed the room, and Lance refused to open his eyes or undo the steel grip on his arms as he felt a panic attack slowly creep up his spine. There, he said it, he ruined everything, and feeling like a month old cheese sandwich in a forgotten lunch bag in the back of the truck, he forced himself to stand up, eyes glued  </p><p>to the ground, and made a mad blind dash towards the door to just get out Keith’s mullet and act like this conversation never happened. Maybe he’ll even bang his head against the door and pretend he forgot the last half hour because he’d really just like to crawl in a hole and <em> die right now- </em></p><p> </p><p>Lance nearly got whiplash when a strong hand suddenly grabbed his shoulder and forced him into the wall of Keith’s room, and despite Lance having a good four or five inches on Keith he still dominated over Lance with his body language alone. Keith’s dark gaze made Lance feel like a spider on the wall and Lance plastered himself on the hard surface as if boundaries could act like a physical barrier between them. </p><p> </p><p>Lance opened his mouth, only for Keith to cut him off by dragging his neck down and giving him the most violent kiss of his life. The act was awkward as all fucking hell because Lance certainly wasn’t in the right mental state to know what was going on, but it also felt like he just shot the fucking moon because by god, Lance is being kissed by the same man he’s been crushing on for <em> months. </em></p><p> </p><p>“You…” Keith breathed between them as he broke the kiss for just a moment, before planting a series of pecks on his jaw and neck, coming back up and pressing their lips together again. Lance felt hot electricity run down his back and settle deep down in his stomach. He felt his hands act on their own, gripping Keith’s jacket hard as Keith pressed his body <em> closer </em> and before Lance knew it he was securely between a human rock and a hard place as Keith licked inside his mouth and made Lance quiver as the heat in his crotch turned molten. </p><p> </p><p>Keith wasn’t well off himself, Lance noted as their hips both bucked into each other, the initial pain quickly overrun by Keith <em> grinding </em> on Lance’s inner thigh and his hot breath fanning Lance’s face as they broke apart to look deep into each other’s eyes. Keith licked his lips and leaned forward to reclaim Lance’s own, unfortunately Lance finally decided to have an ounce of sense and clap a hand over Keith’s mouth, pushing gently back so they both had clean oxygen to breathe in and focus. Keith stepped back willingly, and though his heated gaze threw Lance in a loop, the two held a finally comfortable silence as they caught their breath and processed. </p><p> </p><p>Keith nuzzled into Lance’s hand good-naturedly and with a blush Lance withdrew, mumbling a soft ‘sorry’ and received an equally soft and fond chuckle from the usually stoic boy. </p><p> </p><p>“You,” Keith started, “Are the biggest idiot known to mankind.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Lance agreed, rubbing his neck as embarrassment joined in. “I’m-“</p><p> </p><p>Keith held his hand up, silently asking Lance to keep quiet, then reached over to close their distance once again as he settled it on Lance’s shoulder, squeezing gently. </p><p> </p><p>“I never hated you either,” Keith confessed, a bashful look crossing his face at Lance’s instant surprise. “I won’t lie, sometimes you annoy the fuck out of me, but that doesn’t mean I think of you as less of a person or hold anything against you for it.” Keith’s other hand lightly held Lance’s jaw, making Lance shiver slightly, immediately being caught by Keith and making him crack a smile. </p><p> </p><p>“But?” Lance whispered, wanting to get caught up in the moment, but unable to completely let go of the negative thoughts whispering in his head, asking him <em> but what about everything else? Tell me I’m a failure, tell me how useless I am as a paladin. </em></p><p> </p><p>Keith simply shook his head, bumping his forehead against Lance’s in a surprisingly intimate gesture that made their eyelashes flutter against each other and their voices hushed, because these words were only for the other. Sacred. </p><p> </p><p>“I think I’m in love with you, Lance,” Keith whispered, and Lance felt ice capture his breath and made him hold it, lest his lungs are pierced by the cold. “I know you can’t possibly think that’s true right now, but I’d rather be dead than not have you know it.” </p><p> </p><p>“What? How?” Lance could only reply, his arms nonetheless wrapping around Keith’s neck as they brought themselves ever yet closer. “Why?”</p><p> </p><p>Keith shrugged, his mouth quirking up and nuzzling Lance’s cheek like a cat, but it felt warm and caring as if he was purring along with the action. “I dunno, it just happened, I guess. I was convinced it was unrequited up until now. Never thought you would even give us brain cells to think about.”</p><p> </p><p>Lance snorted, burying his face into Keith’s neck, and just like that they were almost dancing, slightly rocking back and forth as they were finally connected in the way both desperately needed and wanted all this time. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re not completely wrong,” Lance mused, inhaling deeply and catching Keith’s firewood and leather scent. Natural and beautiful, Lance noted. “I mean, I thought about it, but <em> I </em> was convinced that I had ruined any chance at us being a thing.”</p><p> </p><p>“By being yourself?” Keith asked, though Lance shook his head.</p><p> </p><p>“By lashing out at <em> you </em> being yourself. I never said my train of thought was good, y’know.” </p><p> </p><p>Keith hummed, setting his hands on Lance’s hips and boy if he didn’t feel a thrill from that action alone. “I’ll admit I never really understood it, but I just assumed it was something to do with the Garrison because you insisted that we were rivals back then…”</p><p> </p><p>“We were! Kindof.” Lance groaned at his own reluctance to let it go. “More of a one-sided rivalry, but it was important to me.”</p><p> </p><p>“So you finally admit it,” Keith teased, but his voice was light and held no grudge. “I’m sorry, though. You didn’t deserve that kind of treatment, even if you did cope with it in the wrong way.” </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t apologize,” Lance sighed, soothing his hands in Keith’s hair and, wow, okay, Keith’s hair is <em> soft and so fucking smooth </em>. He’ll have to file that finding away later. “It doesn’t excuse the fact that I treated you like shit.”</p><p> </p><p>“You overestimate how badly you affected me.” Keith laughed, and Lance had the nerve to feel offended for a moment before softening at the sound of Keith’s giggling. It was cute, fuck it. Lance really liked him. “Sure sometimes it stung, but it never really bothered me, Lance. I’ve heard worse coming from Iverson for god’s sake.”</p><p> </p><p>Lance winced and nodded, lip curling at the thought of the teacher. “I feel bad, though.”</p><p> </p><p>“And I appreciate that.” Keith surprised Lance as he bumped his head against his again, violet eyes alight with amusement and understanding. “I appreciate you apologizing. I appreciate you coming here and finally telling me what was really happening. Without that, I would’ve been stuck believing I was forever going to be hated by you for something that was most likely a miscommunication error.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why are you always so prickly, then?” Lance pouted, feeling petty. “If you thought that I was simply making a mistake…”</p><p> </p><p>“Lance,” Keith let out an exasperated sigh “I <em> did. </em>I told you I had no idea what you were talking about, and you took it as me purposely being spiteful towards you.”</p><p> </p><p>“... oh.” Everything clicked in that moment for Lance, that everything really was in fact was created by his inner bias. Could he even really name a time where Keith’s reaction wasn’t caused by Lance’s action?</p><p> </p><p>Well, yes, a few times actually, and now that he thought about it Keith seemed to get off on Lance’s indignation, but that really wasn’t the point Keith was trying to make, so Lance let him off the hook. Just this once.</p><p> </p><p>“So you’re telling me,” Lance groused, “that we could’ve been fucking for months, but I had to ruin it by assuming that not only did you hate me, but that I wasn’t even worth your time?”</p><p> </p><p>Keith let out a dying sound, headbutting Lance’s shoulder and burying himself in Lance’s jacket. His shoulders shook, and Lance realized Keith was trying to cover his laughter and embarrassment through death by self-suffocation. The thought made Lance smile, not in the shit-eating way, but in endearment, as Keith vigorously shook his head and lifted it, only to give Lance a look of pure annoyance. </p><p> </p><p>“You don’t just say things like that,” Keith responded finally, making Lance let out a laugh of his own as he brought his head down and initiated a kiss with Keith for the first time. Not that anyone was counting, though.</p><p> </p><p>“Am I wrong?” </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Yes, </em>” Keith hissed good-naturedly, “Because as much as you seem willing to whip yourself for being an idiot, I wasn’t exactly throwing up green lights either.”</p><p> </p><p>“But you don’t even show interest when it's anything <em> but </em> training or Shiro,” Lance pinched the skin on Keith’s hip, causing him to jerk forward and crashing into each other. Lance squawked as Keith pinned him under his weight, the two getting themselves in a fine pretzel as they laughed and purposefully made it difficult to get up for the other.</p><p> </p><p>“I feel like,” Keith puffed in exertion as he got the upper hand, grabbing Lance’s hands and locking them with his own, and Lance felt the blush return to his cheeks at how softly intimate Keith got. “You’re insinuating something that I don’t agree with.” </p><p> </p><p>Lance shrugged, feeling his trademark smirk curl up in his lips and he gave Keith a flirtatious bat of his eyelashes. “I don’t know what you’re possibly on about. Here I am, trapped, ensnared by you, being unfairly judged upon while I am helpless to fight back-“</p><p> </p><p>“Oh shut up-“ Keith said laughing, lurching forward and capturing Lance in a kiss that had him seeing fireworks, or perhaps it was just how Lance felt, as the happiness bubbled in his chest and overflowed to every nook and cranny in his body. Everything that was weighing him down was washed away with the press of Keith’s lips on his own, Keith’s hands squeezing around his and then letting go, only to support Lance’s head to deepen the kiss and using the other to slide under his back and tease the collar of Lance’s jacket and the back of his neck. It felt like a ritual only for them, to press more together and explore each other, Lance giving in to his inner-most desires and <em> just holding </em> Keith in his arms fed into his cravings. The unskilled clack of their teeth as they gosled around, giggling as if they were in high school and doing something definitely against the rules, made the smile on Lance’s face grow near splitting as he cupped Keith’s face and turned his head just in the way he always saw couples kiss in those old romantic dramas his family watched from time to time. </p><p> </p><p>Keith certainly had no qualms, letting out an oh-so soft sound and kissing Lance in a way that edged on desperate, as if he was afraid Lance was about to melt into the floor. <em> I’m not going anywhere, not now. </em> Lance thought fondly, reciprocating enthusiastically. They kissed like they only had mere moments left to live, but the kiss went on forever and it was perfect because it was <em> Keith </em> and only <em> he </em>could make Lance this happy. Don’t ask Lance why he knows that; he can’t explain.</p><p> </p><p>It’s just, it feels like they’re meant to be together. In every world, every reality. </p><p> </p><p>And while Lance held Keith close to his chest, the half-Galra safe and warm while the two gazed at each other in the way gross couples do when they’re out of their minds in love, Lance knew that Keith was his home away from home.</p><p> </p><p>And Lance knew he was Keith’s home, too</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So uh,,, I haven’t written for a long time, this was meant to be a kick start back into it I guess. Would you believe me that it was meant to be a fic about Lance getting dicked down but turned into a soft fic about pouring my heart out to him? Its been three years and I’m still salty about season 8. Fuck Voltron, let Keith and Lance be happy, fuck. </p><p>Anyways, hope you guys liked the story, my next fic will be out,,, eventually.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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